From: Heidi Lewis


My wife is such a bad cook... the flies ALL chipped in and bought us a screen door.

One time I got lost from my parents - I asked a cop, "Do you think I'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know, kid, there are so many places they could hide."

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

 

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

It was the same thing in the army - no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait 'til it gets warmer."

Even when I was a kid, I didn't get no respect. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could... but he pulled through."

[ As Read on Car Talk ]