Classic George Carlin
"Think about how stupid the average person is. And by definition, half the people are stupider than that."
"If cockpit voice recorders are indestructible, why don't they just build an airplane that's one big cockpit voice recorder?"
"Ya know, the very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.'"
"I like a girl with a tattoo. It shows a willingness to do something she'll regret the next morning."