ACTUAL SIGNS

Listen to the clip

Help!

At a Santa Fe gas station:

"We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."


In a New York restaurant:

"Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."


On the wall of a Baltimore estate:

"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of thelaw.

-Sisters of Mercy"


On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:

"38 years on the same spot."


In a Los Angeles dance hall:

"Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."


In a Florida maternity ward:

"No children allowed."


In a New York drugstore:

"We dispense with accuracy."


In the offices of a loan company:

"Ask about our plans for owning your home."


In a New York medical building:

"Mental Health Prevention Center"


On a New York convalescent home:

"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."


On a Maine shop:

"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possibleprices and workmanship.."


At a number of military bases:

"Restricted to unauthorized personnel."


On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:

"Now available in multi-packs."


In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:

"Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirtywork."


In a funeral parlor:

 

"Ask about our layaway plan."

In a clothing store:

 

"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:

 

"15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

On a shopping mall marquee:

 

"Archery Tournament-Ears pierced"

Outside a country shop:

 

"We buy junk and sell antiques."

In the window of an Oregon store:

 

"Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

In a Maine restaurant:

 

"Open 7 days a week and weekends."

On a radiator repair garage:

 

"Best place to take a leak."

In the vestry of a New England church:

 

"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetuallight is extinguished."

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:

 

"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any buttheir own graves."

On a roller coaster:

 

"Watch your head."

On the grounds of a public school:

 

"No trespassing without permission."

On a Tennessee highway:

 

"When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:

 

"If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

[ As Read on Car Talk ]